can you imagine, if 9 months ago you made a stupid, blindly romantic decision and now you have to accept that you're a father? I believe, no matter how illegitimate the newborn is, how big the embarrassment endured by the family, you will feel... happy. happy about a miracle that happened out of a mistake. extremely happy. that's what my state-of-(mind & heart) at this very moment. but, of course, without a baby.
this year, without doubt, is one hell of a year. the amount of stress, though might be unseen on my seen-able parts, translated to a brief experience of insomnia, nose-bleeding(s), chest pain, and the worst, a sudden burst of feeling to start crying without tears. I believe all of you, my 3 audiences, know what the cause is but please, I don't want to talk about it now. I will explain, soon, but not on this chapter.
I'm not sure that it justify my recent action, still. well yeah logically speaking, of course not. but I start to know myself a bit more, my part that came out when I'm under extreme level of mental stress. deep inside, sometime I feel (don't be scared, please) that my life will not be that long and... I have to live today as I want to live it today. The past is past and I'm no Hiro Nakamura. The future will be well taken care by the future me. And that's what i did. I gave myself a treat, more like the man that you read earlier. And it's a serious treat.
I bought a car.
with all the justification to make myself feel better. "it was an accident" is of course NOT the kind of excuse from me. Indeed, I did encounter some scenes where I need a car and taking a cab is, surprisingly, a difficult choice to fit in. I bought the cheapest decent car to lessen the damage. I took a 1.2L engine, and join a government's scheme that only allow me to use it during off-peak hours in return of a massive 17k discount. it's in singapore dollar. And I just got a this increment that, based on an online source, officially placed me in the top 20% of Singapore annual income for my age group. but with this much debt, though I know he already told me that I don't need to return it, I feel guilty at times.
but a few hours ago, I couldn't lie even to myself, the feeling when I collected the car. it is so beautiful. it is so amazing. it is so... slow... but that car has a very important thing to be mine at such a cost: it showcase an innovation well deployed and a style of it's own. It is capable of being different without being killed.
No matter how big this mistake might be, I truly love it.
29.11.07
4.11.07
let me tell you something about my job.
an engineer, is a profession that everybody dreamt of when they're in highschool, and then that same everybody have nightmare for years after getting their degree. if you have trouble believing that, just be one and look around.
it is always being portrayed as a profession where you work hard with less pay. you'll be sad with 3% annual increment and happy with 5%. you cant leave your job before 6pm and your pay get deducted when you come 5 mins late. you always lose when comparing your salary to other friend in other business, and will say nothing when knowing your ex-classmate that now work in a bank, earning twice than your boss. you will say "YES" to another job that pays 5% more than where you're now working at.
that is the typical mourning that I heard from my profession-mate. one day when they do that again, I'll happily say "FOR GOD SAKE, YOU'RE LOOKING FOR STRAWBERRY IN A BOOK STORE". you can find one of course, coz some book store nowadays have cafe inside. just look at the shortcakes in the display cooler and sometime you can find some halves on top of the yellow or white ones... but well that's not what we're talking about at the moment... focus!
the point is, people often mistake an engineer as a profession close to a banker, as more and more engineering graduates work in a bank. the benchmark to compare your job with other people in the country, is always, on how much you're getting annually. Just google some websites discussing hot jobs and you'll find the list - job: engineer - in the top #100 job in the world. YAY!! we made it to top #100, eventhough at rank #91. no wonder people look down on my job.
engineering, is a passion.
it is more like a teacher. you be one because you like it, nothing less. it is more like a cook. you do because you know how to create things. it is more like a doctor, you solve problems that other people brought to you. it is by nature an honest and modest job that you do because your heart tell you to do so.
to make things more dramatic, you wont be noted as noble as a teacher, you wont be praised for your dish like a cook, and no engineer save lifes. I even have problem explaining what I'm doing in laymen term. so what good is it being an engineer?
...
I just like it. I like it when there's a problem, and nobody can solve it. everybody ask : why? and then you do your homework, analyze the problem systematically, quickly do a containment action, find the root cause and solve it. and you answer the question that only you can answer it. a simple trial can end up savings millions of dollars... and people acknowledge you of being knowledgable. I still remember those moments.
well, it's truly more difficult to see what you have, rather than what you have not.
it is always being portrayed as a profession where you work hard with less pay. you'll be sad with 3% annual increment and happy with 5%. you cant leave your job before 6pm and your pay get deducted when you come 5 mins late. you always lose when comparing your salary to other friend in other business, and will say nothing when knowing your ex-classmate that now work in a bank, earning twice than your boss. you will say "YES" to another job that pays 5% more than where you're now working at.
that is the typical mourning that I heard from my profession-mate. one day when they do that again, I'll happily say "FOR GOD SAKE, YOU'RE LOOKING FOR STRAWBERRY IN A BOOK STORE". you can find one of course, coz some book store nowadays have cafe inside. just look at the shortcakes in the display cooler and sometime you can find some halves on top of the yellow or white ones... but well that's not what we're talking about at the moment... focus!
the point is, people often mistake an engineer as a profession close to a banker, as more and more engineering graduates work in a bank. the benchmark to compare your job with other people in the country, is always, on how much you're getting annually. Just google some websites discussing hot jobs and you'll find the list - job: engineer - in the top #100 job in the world. YAY!! we made it to top #100, eventhough at rank #91. no wonder people look down on my job.
engineering, is a passion.
it is more like a teacher. you be one because you like it, nothing less. it is more like a cook. you do because you know how to create things. it is more like a doctor, you solve problems that other people brought to you. it is by nature an honest and modest job that you do because your heart tell you to do so.
to make things more dramatic, you wont be noted as noble as a teacher, you wont be praised for your dish like a cook, and no engineer save lifes. I even have problem explaining what I'm doing in laymen term. so what good is it being an engineer?
...
I just like it. I like it when there's a problem, and nobody can solve it. everybody ask : why? and then you do your homework, analyze the problem systematically, quickly do a containment action, find the root cause and solve it. and you answer the question that only you can answer it. a simple trial can end up savings millions of dollars... and people acknowledge you of being knowledgable. I still remember those moments.
well, it's truly more difficult to see what you have, rather than what you have not.
21.10.07
almost 10 years ago
my first experience in leadership, was around 10 years ago when I became ... a president of some kind of supervising board of a student union, in high school. it's called student representatives. not really a common SU structure, internationally, but it exist.
I was in one of the most prestigious high school in Jakarta back then. I worked with many, many, smart people. I knew from my very first day that I wont be able to compete academically (my fault indeed, with that kind of mindset, of course I have no chance to compete academically ). then I decided to learn my way to gain power. to be recognized in a good way, as a leader. I had 2 choices : student union or student representatives.
like in most democratic environment, we chose our leader by voting. voting is always, always equal to popularity. even the young me understand that. president of the student union, was voted by every student in the school. president of the student rep, was chosen internally between the member of student rep group. I was a person with ultra-low confidence back then and I got trouble speaking in front of the class. of course I chose the later!
1 year later, in my second year in high school, I made it. my signature is one of the most expensive back then, have to exist in almost all school event's proposal. I can actually put something from my high school age in resume, other than my high school name. well, even it only last on my few first resume, it made a few good lines.
resume aside, it was a total mess.
it was 1 year of my life that i actually ashamed to talk about. I was a leader of ghosts. the whole board was practically run by 4 person, while de-facto, we have like around 25. as a leader, i dont have any follower. I cant tell my members what to do, I cant even tell them to meet me. of course 10 years ago, we dont use email or handphone. no people use it... it was 90's ! the whole team is lack of purpose. it was the first time that I realized, i got real issues with my self. as a leader.
to communicate
is what I failed to do. what I knew, what I understood, I didnt relay it well to my team. I often worked behind the scene, so my team did not aware that they're needed. I thought, by doing things myself and let them more free, they'll be happy. no they didnt, they felt not needed. when I realized that, it was too late. the whole group are demoralized, and as a leader, I failed to do one thing that I HAVE to be able to :
to motivate other people.
I just dont know how. in fact this one thing is one of the biggest problem even today. I'm used to be a solo runner. I dont need anybody to motivate me to do my things. my motivation, always (ok, most of the time) come from inside. I do because I want. I do because I need. so I dont really understand how people get motivated because of something else.
a mess, is really what I remember from it. and the 2 things above. the rest... I dont really remember it. maybe I dont want to remember. I did want to put that 1 year experience in writing, but I dont think I did it. even if I did, I lost it. it was a valuable experience no matter how bitter it was. may be it didnt prove that I can lead, but I'm glad that it happened long before I enter the real world. since then, I'm aware of my biggest potential pitfall early in my days.
I was in one of the most prestigious high school in Jakarta back then. I worked with many, many, smart people. I knew from my very first day that I wont be able to compete academically (my fault indeed, with that kind of mindset, of course I have no chance to compete academically ). then I decided to learn my way to gain power. to be recognized in a good way, as a leader. I had 2 choices : student union or student representatives.
like in most democratic environment, we chose our leader by voting. voting is always, always equal to popularity. even the young me understand that. president of the student union, was voted by every student in the school. president of the student rep, was chosen internally between the member of student rep group. I was a person with ultra-low confidence back then and I got trouble speaking in front of the class. of course I chose the later!
1 year later, in my second year in high school, I made it. my signature is one of the most expensive back then, have to exist in almost all school event's proposal. I can actually put something from my high school age in resume, other than my high school name. well, even it only last on my few first resume, it made a few good lines.
resume aside, it was a total mess.
it was 1 year of my life that i actually ashamed to talk about. I was a leader of ghosts. the whole board was practically run by 4 person, while de-facto, we have like around 25. as a leader, i dont have any follower. I cant tell my members what to do, I cant even tell them to meet me. of course 10 years ago, we dont use email or handphone. no people use it... it was 90's ! the whole team is lack of purpose. it was the first time that I realized, i got real issues with my self. as a leader.
to communicate
is what I failed to do. what I knew, what I understood, I didnt relay it well to my team. I often worked behind the scene, so my team did not aware that they're needed. I thought, by doing things myself and let them more free, they'll be happy. no they didnt, they felt not needed. when I realized that, it was too late. the whole group are demoralized, and as a leader, I failed to do one thing that I HAVE to be able to :
to motivate other people.
I just dont know how. in fact this one thing is one of the biggest problem even today. I'm used to be a solo runner. I dont need anybody to motivate me to do my things. my motivation, always (ok, most of the time) come from inside. I do because I want. I do because I need. so I dont really understand how people get motivated because of something else.
a mess, is really what I remember from it. and the 2 things above. the rest... I dont really remember it. maybe I dont want to remember. I did want to put that 1 year experience in writing, but I dont think I did it. even if I did, I lost it. it was a valuable experience no matter how bitter it was. may be it didnt prove that I can lead, but I'm glad that it happened long before I enter the real world. since then, I'm aware of my biggest potential pitfall early in my days.
the beginning
Today, i start another thing that I never done before.
to write.
I never been a keen writer nor reader. i dont think I'm really good at it in the first place and frankly speaking, i dont really enjoy it. people tends to do things that they like or they're good at. so do I. or so did I, to be precise.
I think, people have to do what need to be done. "need" is the keyword. the future is dark, the future is tough. not that i'm pessimistic of what will happen in the future, personally and globally, but indeed I see more difficult things ahead rather than merely lay-back and enjoying life. we need to do better and better everyday, especially in our career.
this blog, is dedicated to record my view, my thoughts, my plan and my experience in fighting the world. it supposed to be a serious matter. i wont be updatng this blog everyday, it's not what I aim. but I'll try my best to record down important choices that I made in this life. hopefully in few years ahead, I'll be able to review my past and learn from it. Again, i'm not much of a reader, writer nor talker. i do best what my father set a good example to everyone :
to think.
and to think alone, my friend, is often not enough.
to write.
I never been a keen writer nor reader. i dont think I'm really good at it in the first place and frankly speaking, i dont really enjoy it. people tends to do things that they like or they're good at. so do I. or so did I, to be precise.
I think, people have to do what need to be done. "need" is the keyword. the future is dark, the future is tough. not that i'm pessimistic of what will happen in the future, personally and globally, but indeed I see more difficult things ahead rather than merely lay-back and enjoying life. we need to do better and better everyday, especially in our career.
this blog, is dedicated to record my view, my thoughts, my plan and my experience in fighting the world. it supposed to be a serious matter. i wont be updatng this blog everyday, it's not what I aim. but I'll try my best to record down important choices that I made in this life. hopefully in few years ahead, I'll be able to review my past and learn from it. Again, i'm not much of a reader, writer nor talker. i do best what my father set a good example to everyone :
to think.
and to think alone, my friend, is often not enough.
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