can you imagine, if 9 months ago you made a stupid, blindly romantic decision and now you have to accept that you're a father? I believe, no matter how illegitimate the newborn is, how big the embarrassment endured by the family, you will feel... happy. happy about a miracle that happened out of a mistake. extremely happy. that's what my state-of-(mind & heart) at this very moment. but, of course, without a baby.
this year, without doubt, is one hell of a year. the amount of stress, though might be unseen on my seen-able parts, translated to a brief experience of insomnia, nose-bleeding(s), chest pain, and the worst, a sudden burst of feeling to start crying without tears. I believe all of you, my 3 audiences, know what the cause is but please, I don't want to talk about it now. I will explain, soon, but not on this chapter.
I'm not sure that it justify my recent action, still. well yeah logically speaking, of course not. but I start to know myself a bit more, my part that came out when I'm under extreme level of mental stress. deep inside, sometime I feel (don't be scared, please) that my life will not be that long and... I have to live today as I want to live it today. The past is past and I'm no Hiro Nakamura. The future will be well taken care by the future me. And that's what i did. I gave myself a treat, more like the man that you read earlier. And it's a serious treat.
I bought a car.
with all the justification to make myself feel better. "it was an accident" is of course NOT the kind of excuse from me. Indeed, I did encounter some scenes where I need a car and taking a cab is, surprisingly, a difficult choice to fit in. I bought the cheapest decent car to lessen the damage. I took a 1.2L engine, and join a government's scheme that only allow me to use it during off-peak hours in return of a massive 17k discount. it's in singapore dollar. And I just got a this increment that, based on an online source, officially placed me in the top 20% of Singapore annual income for my age group. but with this much debt, though I know he already told me that I don't need to return it, I feel guilty at times.
but a few hours ago, I couldn't lie even to myself, the feeling when I collected the car. it is so beautiful. it is so amazing. it is so... slow... but that car has a very important thing to be mine at such a cost: it showcase an innovation well deployed and a style of it's own. It is capable of being different without being killed.
No matter how big this mistake might be, I truly love it.
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