almost 10 years ago

my first experience in leadership, was around 10 years ago when I became ... a president of some kind of supervising board of a student union, in high school. it's called student representatives. not really a common SU structure, internationally, but it exist.

I was in one of the most prestigious high school in Jakarta back then. I worked with many, many, smart people. I knew from my very first day that I wont be able to compete academically (my fault indeed, with that kind of mindset, of course I have no chance to compete academically ). then I decided to learn my way to gain power. to be recognized in a good way, as a leader. I had 2 choices : student union or student representatives.

like in most democratic environment, we chose our leader by voting. voting is always, always equal to popularity. even the young me understand that. president of the student union, was voted by every student in the school. president of the student rep, was chosen internally between the member of student rep group. I was a person with ultra-low confidence back then and I got trouble speaking in front of the class. of course I chose the later!

1 year later, in my second year in high school, I made it. my signature is one of the most expensive back then, have to exist in almost all school event's proposal. I can actually put something from my high school age in resume, other than my high school name. well, even it only last on my few first resume, it made a few good lines.

resume aside, it was a total mess.

it was 1 year of my life that i actually ashamed to talk about. I was a leader of ghosts. the whole board was practically run by 4 person, while de-facto, we have like around 25. as a leader, i dont have any follower. I cant tell my members what to do, I cant even tell them to meet me. of course 10 years ago, we dont use email or handphone. no people use it... it was 90's ! the whole team is lack of purpose. it was the first time that I realized, i got real issues with my self. as a leader.

to communicate

is what I failed to do. what I knew, what I understood, I didnt relay it well to my team. I often worked behind the scene, so my team did not aware that they're needed. I thought, by doing things myself and let them more free, they'll be happy. no they didnt, they felt not needed. when I realized that, it was too late. the whole group are demoralized, and as a leader, I failed to do one thing that I HAVE to be able to :

to motivate other people.

I just dont know how. in fact this one thing is one of the biggest problem even today. I'm used to be a solo runner. I dont need anybody to motivate me to do my things. my motivation, always (ok, most of the time) come from inside. I do because I want. I do because I need. so I dont really understand how people get motivated because of something else.

a mess, is really what I remember from it. and the 2 things above. the rest... I dont really remember it. maybe I dont want to remember. I did want to put that 1 year experience in writing, but I dont think I did it. even if I did, I lost it. it was a valuable experience no matter how bitter it was. may be it didnt prove that I can lead, but I'm glad that it happened long before I enter the real world. since then, I'm aware of my biggest potential pitfall early in my days.